By: Squall Leonhart

 

Vincent was sitting bolt upright on the sofa of Avalanche headquarters,

cradling a glass of milk in his hands.  Cid was slumped next to him,

munching loudly from a packet of crisps.  Barret could be heard in the

kitchen, fumbling around in the fridge with his one useful arm.  Cloud burst

in through the door and slammed it behind him, breathing heavily and waving

his arms in the air.

“What the hell’s going’ on!” yelled Cid, as he scrambled off the sofa,

reaching for his spear.

“Nothin’, just making an entrance” replied Cloud, his faked panic quickly

subsiding.  Cid shot him a cold stare before settling back down onto the

sofa.

“What’s today’s movie?” asked cloud, as he picked up the video case.  Cid

smiled excitedly as Cloud read the title from the side of the video case.

“Hmmm......Apollo 13.  Never heard of that one.” murmured Cloud.

“Yeah, it’s great” replied Cid. “I’ll really love it!”.

Vincent gave Cid a deathly cold stare, and folded his arms.

“What’s up with him?”  Cloud whispered to Cid.

“He’s just moody, because we didn’t get The Crow.” Cid whispered back.

 

Five minutes later, Vincent and Cid were still sitting on the sofa and Cloud

was laying on a large beanbag commemorating 50 years of Wonder Square. 

Barret walk in from the kitchen carrying six bottles of “Bugenhagen’s home

brew” which featured the familiar logo “You don’t have to visit Cosmo Canyon

to see stars!”.

“What took you so long” Asked Cloud.  Barret mumbled something about the

fridge door and his gun-arm, and then something about “Dam’ Shinra”, but

Cloud had lost interest.  Barret threw himself down in the middle of the

sofa, which shook Vincent and Catapulted Cid onto the floor.  Cid picked

himself up and squeezed himself back onto the sofa.

 

As cloud placed the video into the video recorder he heard Barret cursing

again.

“God dam’ stupid piece o’.....”He spat. “Where the hell’s the god damn

bottle opener”

Vincent snatched the bottle from Barret’s hand and used the tip of one of

his metallic claws to pop the lid from the bottle.

“Geez, Vinnie, you jes’ full o’ surprises” Said Barret amazed.  “Mebbe that

Hojo was doin’ ya a favor when he..........”  Barret stopped when he

realized Vincent was peering at him menacingly through half closed eyelids. 

Barret passed a beer to Cid, a beer to Cloud, and a carton of Um Bongo to

Vincent.  Cloud heard something being pushed through the letterbox, and got

up to investigate.  He picked up a newspaper (The Midgar Evening Post)  from

just below the letterbox, held it over the bin and shook.  A number of

leaflets spilled out into the bin, including one that read “Don Corneo

wants YOU” and one that read “Have you got what it takes?  Be the best. 

Join the Turks”.  When Cloud noticed the movie was starting, he hurried back

toward the lounge.  Just as he pushed himself forward onto the beanbag, the

front door burst open.

 

Once again Cid leapt up from his seat, reaching for his spear, but relaxed

when he noticed that Aeris, Tifa, and Yuffie were standing in the doorway.

“Will people STOP doing that?” remarked Cid through gritted teeth.

Cloud got up, and walked toward the girls.

“Hey, don’t you remember the deal?  Wednesday night is boys night in, and

girls night out.  You’re messing up the rotor!” he said.

“Hey, blame Aeris” replied Tifa. “She stopped the movie.  She considered

“City Of Angels” blasphemous.”.  Aeris shrugged off the criticism and folded

her arms.

“Anyway, this is serious!” Said Tifa. “SEPHIROTH IS BACK”

 

 

CHAPTER 2

 

“Sephiroth!!” said Cloud, as if on the receiving end of a particularly nasty

bolt 3 spell.

“Call me a liar if you must.” Said Vincent “But isn’t he dead?  The fact

that Cloud killed him would suggest that he is.”

“He could still be alive” Murmured Aeris. “I mean, he fooled us with that

“Being dead” routine before, didn’t he?”

“Who cares if he’s dead or alive?  Let’s find him, and bust him up for good!

  Right Barret?” Yelled Cid.

“Dam’ Shinra!” Screamed Barret.  The rest of the crew ignored him.

“Anyone know where he is?” Exclaimed Cloud.

“We heard he was at the northern crater.” Said Tifa.

“Geez, what an idiot.” Said Yuffie. “Couldn’t he pick a more original

place?”

“Get Cait Sith and Red XIII” Said Cloud, jumping from his chair. “We’re

going to the Northern Crater.”.

“There’s just one burning question.....” Mumbled Vincent.

“What diabolical plan Sephiroth is scheming to make real his evil lust for

power?” Interrupted Aeris.

“No” Replied Vincent. “The burning question is......”

“How can this insignificant band topple the incredible power and strength of

the mighty Sephiroth?” Interrupted Tifa.

“No!” Shouted Vincent. “The burning question is....HOW THE HELL ARE 9 OF US

GOING TO FIT ON 1 CHOCOBO?”

 

When they reached the Northern Crater, Cloud tied his gold Chocobos leash

around a tree, and Cloud, Barret and Cid clattered and bounded down a steep

hill of falling rocks.  Vincent, Aeris, Tifa, Cait Sith, Yuffie and Red XIII

took the escalator.  When they reached the bottom of the crater, they

regrouped and saw Sephiroth sitting on a stool reading a newspaper, and

smoking a cigarette.  When he noticed the group staring at him in disbelief,

he threw the newspaper to the ground, spat out the cigarette and leapt up to

face them.

“Aaaah!  Cloud.  I’ve been expecting you.” Said sephiroth through an evil

smile.

“You defeated me in the video game, but now, through the medium of this

ridiculous, low-grade parody, I shall have the revenge I deserve.”

The group looked at each other and then at Sephiroth, who continued his

speech.

“You and your pitiful crew foiled my evil plan to crash an enormous meteor

into the planet, drain the life stream that flows out to heal the wound by

absorbing it into my being, and become a god, but my new plan will destroy

you all!”

The crew stared at Sephiroth with extremely bored looks.

“Who needs Sleepel with this guy around?” Muttered Yuffie.

“So what exactly is your new plan?” Asked Cloud.

“Aaaah Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.......You worthless humans are so impatient!” Screamed

Sephiroth.

Aeris stepped forward “Hey, I’m an Ancient!”

“QUIET” Yelled Sephiroth.  “My new plan will soon come to fruition.  I shall

create a new crisis by crashing this planet into another planet on the

opposite side of the solar system.  The immense distance they will be forced

to travel will accelerate them to the speed of light, and their collision

will nearly destroy both planets.  I shall then suck the life stream from

BOTH planets, becoming the most powerful being in the universe.”

The group gasped in dreaded amazement.

“What other planet are you going to destroy?” Asked Vincent.

“Another planet full of worthless humans” Spat Sephiroth. “The planet EARTH”

 

 

CHAPTER  3

 

The crew stood, taken in by Sephiroth’s mighty evil presence.

“Hey, Cloud!” Cid whispered from the back of the crowd.

“What is it?” He replied

“Well, I thought THIS planet was Earth.”

“I don’t think so, Cid.  However powerful sephiroth is, he can’t crash a

planet into ITSELF.”

“Oh......Right.....Okay.”

“Uhhhh.....Cloud” Cid carried on.

“What now, Cid.”

“If this isn’t Earth, what planet are we on?”

“Well, you see, Cid.................To be honest, I don’t know.”

“Didn’t that guy in Cosmo Canyon tell ya?  You know, uhh.....Bugenhagen.”

“I don’t think he told me........Barret, do you know what planet this is?”

“Dam’ Shinra!” yelled Barret.

 

“Enough talk, Momma’s boy” Yelled Yuffie. “Come get some!”.

Yuffie dashed toward sephiroth brandishing her shuriken.  Sephiroth

outstretched his hand, and a burst of light fired from his palm, knocking

Yuffie to the ground.

“Ha Ha Ha Ha.  You pathetic humans!” Cackled Sephiroth, looking at the

dumbstruck crowd.

“Hey, sephiroth” Shouted Aeris.  “ I AM AN ANCIENT.”

Sephiroth ignored her, and instead floated up and span in mid-air.

“And now, I must leave.” Laughed Sephiroth.  “But Mother will stay here, to

keep you company!”

JENOVA appeared, and howled loudly, before falling to her knees and crying.

“You try to raise them as best as you can!” She blubbed. “But what do they

do?  You teach them good, honest, evil values on how to hate their fellow

men, and once they concoct their evil plans, they forget about you!  I

taught him all I know, and now all he does is use me as a handy tool of

distraction to make a quick getaway!”  JENOVA continued to cry, and fell to

the floor in tears.  The group looked at her and made their way back to

Cloud’s Chocobo.

“I blame the parents” Mumbled Tifa.

 

Back at Avalanche headquarters, the group sat around a table discussing

their plan, or lack of one.

“So we’re doomed”  Said Aeris casually.

“No way!” retorted Cloud, slamming his fists on the table. “We’re never

doomed.  We beat sephiroth before, and we can do it again!  For the planet,

right Barret?”

“Dam’ Shinra!” Barret yelled before throwing himself to the floor and

giggling.

“Anyway” Said Cait Sith  “We are doomed. Nothing on this planet could beat

Sephiroth.  We only fluked last time!”

“Stop being so negative.  Cloud’s right, we can beat him again” said Tifa.

“Your opinion doesn’t count, Tifa” Said Yuffie “You always agree with Cloud.

  You make me sick.  Whatever happened to feminism?”

Tifa and Yuffie continued to argue.

“Ladies, stop it!” Growled Red XIII “I have a plan.  Nothing on THIS planet

can stop Sephiroth, but if we got to Earth and explained ourselves, they may

be able to help.”

“And how exactly do we get to earth?” Asked Vincent.

Cid got up. “We build a rocket!”

“How could we afford that?” Asked Aeris.

“I have a lot of money” Said Cait Sith. “Between bleeding money out of

failing compulsive gamblers, and Reeve’s huge embezzlements from Shinra, I’m

practically a Trillionare.”

“But how do we build a rocket?  We don’t know how!” Asked Aeris, determined

to find a flaw in the plan.

“Well.....I could do it.” Added Vincent.  “In case you’d forgotten, I spent

a lot of time at the Shinra mansion,  and that basement has a lot of books!”

“Then we go to Earth, and find a tool to stop Sephiroth’s evil power!”

Summarized Cloud.

“Yeah, looks like it.” Mumbled Red XIII.

 

 

 

CHAPTER 4

 

Much later, the crew stood around the gigantic newly built rocket.

“I hereby christen this vessel the Enormous Bronco.” Said Cid, ceremoniously

smashing a bottle of beer against the Rocket.

“Took even less time than expected.” Muttered Vincent.  “God bless the guy

who invented Super glue!”

The rest stared at him.

“Everyone get aboard, we’re taking off!”  Screamed Cid from the top of the

boarding ladder.

The crew bundled themselves into the rocket and started take-off procedures.

  The rocket’s engines spluttered and then roared, as a mighty blast of

flame spurted from its thrusters.  The Rocket lifted from the ground, and

its supports fell to the ground, clouded in a haze of smoke.

 

As the rocket soared through the stratosphere, Aeris gazed at the view from

the main porthole.

“Isn’t it beautiful.” She said softly.  “To think that all the splendor of

this planet could soon be destroyed.  How could such a brazen candle be

extinguished by a single breath?”

“I dunno.  Who cares?” Replied Yuffie, whilst fumbling with a Rubik’s Cube.

“So how long will it take to reach earth?” Asked Cloud, studying a huge pile

of star charts.

“Well, if this were reality, the trip would last about 2769 years” Replied

Cid, while punching a series of flashing buttons.  “But because it’s only a

cheap parody, it’ll probably only last until the author gets bored with the

rocket scene.”

 

Hours later, Cid was still sitting in the flight seat, pushing various

flashing buttons while simultaneously watching The A-Team on the ship’s

Vidscreen.  A flashing light grabbed his attention for a second, and he put

down his cigarette.  He glanced at the co-ordinates screen and gasped.  Cid

swept his arm across a desk and brushed a series of crisp packets and pizza

boxes onto the floor, revealing a pile of charts and maps.  When he had

checked the co-ordinates on a star chart, he pushed a small button to his

right which brought down the periscope, and sent a few empty beer cans

raining down on him.  A small multicolored Sphere caught his attention, and

he slammed his fist on the control panel.

 

Cait Sith was sitting in a padded flight seat, fiddling with his dice,

Vincent was polishing his Rifle, and Barret was blowing saliva bubbles and

twitching in a corner.  The electronic air-lock doors slid open with a hiss

and Red XIII galloped into the room.

“We made it!  We’re at Earth!” He panted, turned and galloped back down the

corridor.

“What now?” Murmured Cait Sith.  “Just when ya get comfortable, the

storyline goes and screws ya!”

 

The group stood at the main airlock.  Cloud whirled the door lock around,

pulled open the door and they all stepped out.

“Eeaagghh!” Growled Yuffie.  “What a dump!  We flew 7000,000,000 light years

for this?”

Vincent descended the ladder, picked up a clump of dirt and sniffed at it.

“What the hell are you doing?” Yelled Tifa.

“Looking professional.” Replied Vincent.

“O.K. squad” Said Cloud enigmatically. “Split up, and search for a method of

stopping sephiroth.  We’ll meet up back tomorrow.”

“And I thought it was only Shinra that could mess up planets!” Mumbled Cid,

as he walked away from the rocket.

“Dam’ Shinra!” Ranted Barret, clutching his sides, and moaning.

 

                CHAPTER 5

 

 

The next day, they met up back at the rocket.

“What the hell is wrong with this place” Said Cloud.  “All I did was go into

somebody’s house and look in their cupboards, and they attack me!”

“Oh!  So unprovoked!” Added Tifa.

“And none of these shops accept Gil!”  Said Cid.

“And I went into every weapon shop in town, and couldn’t find ONE comb.  And

none of their manufacturers use Mithril!” Said Red XIII.

“What about me?  I went into a store and asked about materia.”  Yelled

Yuffie. “They refused to reply, so I got a little riled.  So they sent the

Turks after me!”

The crowd gasped.

“Well they were wearing different uniforms,” Continued Yuffie.  “But it MUST

have been them.  Who else could it have been?”.

“And apparently, Phoenix downs are preeeeeetty hard to find.” Said Vincent.

“And why do people keep giving me strange looks?”  Asked Cait Sith.

The crowd continued to mumble about their predicament until Aeris looked

around worriedly.

“Say, has anyone seen Barret.”

Tifa looked at Aeris and started to whimper.  “They took him away.  They

said it was for his own good.  They took him to some place called an 

A-S-Y-L-U-M, I think.”

 

Sephiroth strode down the street.  He knew they were here.  He could sense

it, AND he’d read the script.  What was this place?  What did it matter,

soon this place would be a broken shell of a planet, its lifeblood drained

to feed his power.  But they, that pitiful group could defeat him.  That’s

why he had to find them, and DESTROY them.

 

“Anyone find anything useful?” Asked Cloud.

The crew looked at each other, and a series of shrugs and moans told Cloud

that their trip had been a disaster.

“Well....”  Said Cid.  “I found a pretty good yogurt place, but that

doesn’t count does it?”

“Perhaps it WOULD count if we were writing the “Michelin guide to Earth”,

but when saving two planets from an genetically altered evil madman, its not

perfect information!” Said Cait Sith cynically.

“Why don’t we just fight him?” Asked Yuffie “It worked before.”

“Because we’re CRAP, that’s why” Replied Tifa.  “And we have to get rid of

him differently, to make this story original.”

“Well......” Said Vincent.

“Yes” Replied Cloud.

“We’re FICTIONAL heroes, yeah?”

“In a way, yes.”

“So there must be fictional heroes here too.”

“Yeah?”

“So if we gather them together” Continued Vincent.  “We could use our

combined strength to defeat Sephiroth!”

Cloud ignored Vincent.

“I’VE GOT IT!!!” Shouted Cloud.

“We can’t be the only fictional heroes around here, so we should gather the

fictional heroes of Earth and use our combined strength to defeat

Sephiroth!” He continued, waving his arms around in the air.

The group cheered Cloud, except for Vincent who made mocking hand signals

behind Cloud’s back.

“But how do we get them together?” Asked Red XII.

“Well......Uhhhh.....You see......” Cloud flustered.

“Advertising?” Whispered Vincent.

“ADVERTISING!!!” Shouted Cloud.

 

CHAPTER 6

 

“Wanted!”  The flyers read, “Fictional heroes and superheroes to defeat

insane evil genius with world domination plan.  If interested call 555-MACHO

or call at 76b Carlton St.”

“This’ll do it!” Said Cloud, pasting the final flyer to the wall of a nearby

building.  “Now all we do is wait.”

 

Sephiroth drew his Masamune and ripped a flyer from the wall.  As he read

it.  He began to laugh maniacally.

“Ah Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!  These pathetic Humans think they can band together to

defeat me?  I shall destroy their kind, and then command their Planets with

the power of the ancients!!!!”

With that he crushed the flyer in his hand, tossed it to one side, and

continued down the street.

 

Cloud strolled up and down, examining the line of “Heroes” they had

collected.

He looked at them one by one, examining them casually, while wondering why

the hell he had suggested this idea.  The “Incredible fighting force” they

had imagined consisted of Mr. T, Luke Skywalker, and a Sam Beckett

stunt-double.

“O.K. so we’re going to die.” Said Cloud with his head in his hands.

“Yup.” Added Cid.

“Don’t worry, guys” Said Tifa.  “We can get through.....”

“SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP” Said Aeris. “We ARE going to die!”

“We have one option...” Said Vincent.

The crew looked at him expectantly.

“But I don’t know what it is!” Continued Vincent.

Vincent began to giggle, while the others glared at him painfully.

“No, really.  We have ONE option.” He continued.

“Which is?” Asked Cait Sith through gritted teeth.

“Well, if we........”

His sentence was cut short when Sephiroth dropped through the ceiling of

their hideout.

“Save it.” He said Maniacally.

“So, at last, I have found you.  My plan shall go forward, and I shall rule

the planet as a god!”

The crew stood, staring blankly at him.

“Now, I shall continue my mother’s legacy!”  Sephiroth Bellowed.

The Crew sighed, and moved into their fighting stances.

 

 

CHAPTER 7

 

Mr. T rushed toward Sephiroth, arms outstretched.

“Take this, you crazy dam’ foo’” He roared.

Sephiroth raised himself into mid-air, and pushed his arms forward.

Mr. T flew backward into a tree, and collapsed into a crumpled heap.

“Eat my dust, sucka” Mumbled Sephiroth evilly.

Luke Skywalker drew his light saber and moved into defensive position.

Sephiroth drew his masamune and moved into defensive position.

They lunged forward and their weapons connected with a flash of light and

they moved back.

After 25 minutes of swashbuckling, Sephiroth cut off Luke’s hand and sent

both his hand and his light saber hurtling across the floor.

“Luke” Bellowed Sephiroth “I am your.........”

Sephiroth thought better of it, and cut a swathe into Luke’s chest, killing

him.

“So, I have finally bettered you pathetic humans!” Laughed Sephiroth as he

cornered the characters, except the stunt-double, who was leaning against a

wall smoking a cigarette.

“Sephiroth!” Yelled Aeris.  “I AM AN ANCIENT.  MY MOTHER WAS AN ANCIENT.  I

AM AN ANCIENT........DUH!”

“Quiet, you pathetic human” Spat Sephiroth. “Now you will all feel my power.

  Prepare for the final stages of my ascent into.......”

“Sephiroth, you little scamp” a high-pitched voice squealed from behind him.

 

“Sephiroth put that down, how often have I told you not to play with

knives?”

Standing behind sephiroth was Lucrecia.  She picked Sephiroth up by his ear

and pulled him away from the dumbstruck crowd.

“You’ve been listening to that crazy Jenova haven’t you?  I’ve told you

before, she’s a bad influence.”

“But, Mother....” Sephiroth droned.  “I was in the middle of...”

“I don’t care what you were doing.  Say goodbye to your little friends,

because we have to go now”

Sephiroth scowled at the group, and they waved at him sarcastically.

“Soon you shall all fall before me!  I shall return to wreak my revenge!”

Lucrecia slapped him on the arm.  “Manners, Sephy!”

“Sorry, mother.” Said sephiroth, crestfallen, as they disappeared from view.

 

Back on the rocket, headed for their own planet, victorious, the crew stared

at each other in disbelief.

“Would someone like to explain what just happened?” Puzzled Cid.

“I think we won.” Replied Yuffie.

 

Back on their planet, the crew returned to avalanche headquarters.

“Aaaah!  Feels good to be back after all that!” Said Vincent, as he settled

back onto the sofa.

“Yep.  Anyone want some tea?”  Asked Cid

“Or a game of Poker?” Asked Cait Sith.

“Or.....Hide and seek?” Asked Yuffie.

Just as they started to relax, Tseng and the Turks burst through the door.

“Guys, we need your help!” Tseng spluttered.

“Yeah, Edea the sorceress has gone crazy and is controlling the soldiers of

Galbadia.”

“We have to help them!” Yelled cloud, jumping from his seat.” The fate of

the world could rest in our han......”

Vincent landed his metallic fist on cloud’s cheek and he fell to the floor,

unconscious.

“Forget about it.” He said, sitting back down.  “We’ve done our bit.  Let

Squall and the rest worry about it.................................”

 

THE END